Many weekends ago I wrote this article. I never picked myself back up from the stress I decided to accept from this event. I cant attribute my silence online only to this – I have had many other distractions and complications over the past few months. Some of which were the holidays. But none of them are good enough excuses. My goodness, I had so many plans moving through the end of the year, but I definitely let myself spiral into a rut. It’s baffling, but the biggest, most absurd reason that I stalled on posting: I wanted to include an art piece with this article. I never decided what to create, so I never got around to it… and because I wanted my articles to be chronological to my life experiences and timeline of business progress, I completely stopped. How’s that for a terrible reason to stall my progress? haha! Not being able to post in chronological order caused my timeline to completely come to a standstill. Shaking my head. Well, here it is… Originally dated November 2021, now dated March 2022. I not only dropped the ball, I completely lost it. Here’s to finding it again.
I admire all of you out there that work a full time job, have a family, a pet, extracurricular activities… and still find time for yourself. I don’t know what “time for yourself” means to you, but in this situation “time for self” means, to me, time to grow, learn, work on and develop my side hustle, so that I no longer have to call it a side hustle… but my business.
I walked up to the past weekend with a brave face, excess energy, overflowing enthusiasm, legitimate motivation, and a rock solid will to take a huge step forward. I was going to complete my first freebies release and prepare for my debut “welcome” email. I finished all of my out-of-house chores on Friday, so I wouldn’t have to leave the house to spend hours shopping and running errands over the weekend.
And then our new puppy peed all over our house every-single-time I brought him back in from trying to potty-train outside. Note: He doesn’t do puddles, he does winding trails.
I blew a fuse.
I shook with frustration and had tears in my eyes as I cleaned our floors for the umpteenth time on Saturday. With all of the floor mopping and sanitizing added to my adulting responsibilities at home I had zero energy and time to myself. By evening, it broke my will, dissipated my motivation, evaporated my enthusiasm, depleted my energy, and crushed my hope to get anything done. My poor kids suffered a mom with a short temper, no energy to give them any attention, and barely enough energy to throw something in the oven for their dinner. (Prior to dinner prep I sat defeated on the kitchen floor for a solid 10 minutes before laying down, realizing the floor still smelled vaguely of pee, then slowly getting up to drag myself to the freezer.)
Yes, I still had Sunday. I had the choice to forge on and go for it. But, instead, I gave myself the excuse: this stress I’m feeling is too much. This weight on my chest is unbearable. So, I quit on myself. I decided that I’d experienced so much stress, that I was off the hook from completing my forged out plans for the weekend. Some people might say, “It’s ok to give in sometimes.” Others might say “Really? Why did you throw a tantrum like a juvenile?” It doesn’t matter what I did rather than trying achieve my goals and it doesn’t matter whether I could give a legitimate excuse or not. The bottom line is: I wasted the precious time I had.
What went wrong? With all of my readiness, I should have been able to achieve what I set out to do. But I was setting myself up for failure. While I was making and executing plans for the weekend I was focusing on and using God’s graced energy, and I was doing greater than great… But, I amped myself up so much that I got tunnel vision. I forgot to keep my peripherals open, forgot that there’s an enemy. Imagine a football player thinking, “Yea! Going for the touchdown!” Then a linebacker comes from his blind spot and knocks him off his feet because he was too focused on the goal line to see him coming. That’s what happened.
The minute my plans were disrupted and didn’t didn’t fall into place the exact way I envisioned them, I so easily took my eyes off the ball… and I let it drop. In the way my last post “Fear Procrastination” talked about not doing something due fear accumulated from looking past the small steps in order to reach the un-reachable, this weekend’s hyper-realistic plans and expectations didn’t allow room for flexibility to react, adjust, and regroup. It created a brittle mindset that snapped from the small (or not so small) pressure.
I stopped focusing on God’s plans for me last weekend, stopped accepting his encouragement, energy, and help and instead I focused on all of the disasters. I stopped following his plans and started creating my own. This chiseled away at my will and I didn’t get back up. I remembered my drive and my goals, but I chose not to care. I don’t have proof of what would have happened if, instead, I chose to refocus back on God. But, I can say, in all honesty, that I probably would have experienced peace and would have been able to move forward. I’m still practicing at relenting rigid control of my life in order to bounce back into His grace. I’ve fully depended on God a handful of times and the memory of the immeasurable success that I’d been given in those instances keeps me practicing.
Root for me, cheer me on, pray for me if that is something you feel comfortable doing. I need it immensely as I forge onward. Let’s see how well I put this into practice this weekend. May God glorify Himself, El Shaddai – Lord Almighty – my shield and fortress and my comfort, the One who goes before his people and blesses their path.
March 2022
An update on the puppy:
His name is Dante. He’s now 7 months old! He’s huge! … and here is the missing image that held up my post for so long. Not calligraphy, but I think you’ll like it nonetheless. 😀
The weekend after writing this article I was determined not to have potty problems that would derail my plans. I thought he was just being an annoying puppy and needing attention. So, I paid attention. Guess what I discovered? He’s a smart guy, haha. He had actually been telling me that he needed to go out. He would generally leave me alone, but every so often he’d come over and start to nip at me and start to bark. Then he’d give up and go away, presumably to pee in my house somewhere for me to find and lament about later. I thought he was challenging me for dominance or asking for attention because, how could he possibly need to go again? I just took him out 20 mins ago! I should have realized he was saying “Hey! PEE TIME! Can’t hold it anymore! Meh, I’m not waiting for you to open the door.” Remember, this guy is only 7 months old right now. At the time, he was only 4 months old. I forgot this because he’s the size of my adult German shepherd. He had no bladder control AT ALL. It appears he knew it. He still has accidents now and again. But not every time I bring him into the house. Whew! My next challenge is getting this big guy to stop jumping when he’s excited. ;P
the Long N Winding Word 