Fear Procrastination

I’m sure you know it. Maybe you haven’t put a name to it. Maybe you haven’t even thought about why you procrastinate. If not, let me tell you about my “fear procrastination”.

Funny, not so funny, story:

I went to university once upon a time. UC Irvine is where I started, but it is not where I finished. Had absolutely no idea “what I wanted to be when I grew up”. So, like many other delusional Asian kids, I chose to be a Bio Major. Big mistake. Why did we all think that being a Bio Major was the golden major?! I think the best doctors should study poetry… or sociology. Then go to med school. Where they can directly learn the basics of bio that are applicable to becoming a doctor and then move on the the crazy hard stuff they have to learn to be be a doctor. But, I digress… rant for another type of blog! haha!

Long… long… story short – I dropped out of UCI. Why? Because I chose a major that was not for me… and one that this school amped up so much that 80% of the first year students in this major would drop out by the second year (this is probably not true, but it sure felt like it!)… on top of not knowing what I even wanted for my life, so I began collecting my heap of burdens. My brain could not (and still sometimes doesn’t) grasp the idea of doing bits and pieces to reach my goal and could only see the huge, final product. Rather than knowing how to take the stairs step by step, I tried to jump to the rooftop from the ground. This is where fear procrastination came into play. The feat I had imagined in front of myself was impossible, especially from the direction I was taking. It was daunting, it was scary, it made me panic every time I looked in it’s direction. So, I decided I’d do it later. I fear-procrastinated so much, that my burdens became bigger and bigger with Time hand-in-hand with a university curriculum piling more on my plate everyday.

Can you see where this is going? I was in this vicious cycle of fear procrastination: I was collecting all sorts of negative, imaginary mountains that I had to climb. I’d panic when I had a big project, or a due date, or an exam, so I’d put it off. Then I’d try to scramble to catch up, but I’d only fall further behind. My burden became bigger and scarier… so I’d procrastinate more. My habits became so bad that I didn’t even know I had a final exam one day. I walked into another class after my missed final exam and my now husband and his roommate looked at me and said,

“Where were you? How did you do on the Final?”

“Final?”

I thought they were joking. They thought I was joking. I had missed a final that affected 40% of my grade. Slept right through it. I stared blankly at them, then panicked and left the class. I don’t even remember where I went after I left the class. Did I go to the teacher’s office hours? Did I walk around campus pulling out my hair? Did I go back to the dorm to email the teacher some lame excuse? Who knows… but at that time, I had no idea how to advocate for myself, nor how to navigate the problems that I was collecting. I’d panic when I looked at my work loads. I’d panic when I tried to envision my future. I had no idea why I was making such monumental mistakes with my life. I began to believe that I wasn’t capable. And I became so overwhelmed that I gave up.

It didn’t seem funny then, but we laugh about it now. It’s this “fear procrastination” that drove my life until very recently. I didn’t know why I felt like I wasn’t capable. I didn’t know why I couldn’t get anywhere with my goals and my life.

I’m writing this “novel” of a blog post because maybe someone out there doesn’t know either. And I want to share what I’ve learned: It’s because I was never able to break things down and look at the step directly in front of me. I wanted to be at the finish line; don’t we all? But, I couldn’t visualize the journey in steps rather than impossible leaps and bounds. Everything was always out of reach and hopeless so I sat at the side of the road, waiting for handouts, waiting for someone to lead me forward. I still fall into the same old habits. Even this current adventure. It’s terrifying. I have to constantly remind myself: If I get stuck, it’s because I’m trying to take a huge leap without seeing the steps in between. If I find myself fear-procrastinating, I know I need to find an even smaller step. I’ve been trying to avoid looking at the finish line… because, honestly, I don’t know where that is. Only God knows where he’s leading me. So, I’m keeping my eyes on Him, and trusting the steps he’s always been placing in front of me but I was too blinded by my own, contrived big finish line to see. So, I open my eyes. Break down the task. Find a part that I can do right now. And do that tiny part of it, and then another tiny part of it. And, have you ever noticed: once you find that first step, you often end up running?!

We’ll all get to where we’re going someday. It’s just… if we want to get somewhere intentionally, we need to make an effort to take steps, rather than float down the river to wherever that will eventually lead. Will we, together, gaze down from that mountaintop someday, friends? Or be carried away by the river and washed out to sea?

To climb steep hills requires slow pace at first.”

William Shakespeare